There’s a lot that has happened inside after making the choice, this promise to myself, to be my best, for me.
I reckon I have spent most of my time so far looking up at the mountain that is life’s challenges, whist jumping from rock to rock at the bottom, because it felt like it was enough for a fun and simplistic life. Yet all the while I kept trying to balance out and seperate my desires from my wants, tried to tame a wildness I’d allowed myself to believe was innefective, a self-destructive swing that always seemed to foil deeds, whether dashing or dastardly.
I am supremely grateful for my life, I believe through and through that it is enough for me and that is where things start to get interesting.
The deep instinctive me that may well be gliding through the eons as part of a greater adventure, of which this is but one aspect quite possibly happening at the exact same point and time as everything else that ever was or will be, is super happy. Well why not! There’s a magic to this world that was inconceivable a hundred years ago and if the Play does indeed Mirror Life then we are as beautifully creative and destructive as everything else, with the added bonus of knowing that we are witnessing it. That is a pretty amazing place to find ourselves every day we wake up!
The me that has accepted the dual reality of infinite and temporal has decided to take a chance, to bet on my strengths, they are Our Gifts after all, our weaknesses are more akin to a dark and winding tunnel so full of twists and turns that we could follow them for a thousand lifetimes and still only find suffering around every corner. Our Gifts however are the unique opportunities to find something so great, that gratitude alone could never explain what they mean to us.
Indulge yourself in what you are good at, find a drive for the effort to make them something you are great at, and be ok with it taking a long time to become great in the eyes of others.
I find myself occasionally anxious to the point of near incapacity as I look forward now, it hits me in the oddest ways and at the most obscure times, but the pieces are all here inside me to push through it, stand tall and thrive. Elements of everything I have ever experienced float up to the surface fulfilling their capacity, enlightening me at that time (in the most physical representation of the word). I make a point to remember my brain is just a muscle, seperate from the electrical impulses flashing through it as thought, I relax it and then I send that relaxation down into the brain stem (the image I recall from school science classes due to its inherent simplicity).
It appears to be impossible to hold anxiety, fear, confusion, stress etc. and all the rest when the brain muscle itself lacks tension. I do the same for the heart muscle and feel my shoulders drop away from my ears again, the bottom of my jaw relaxes, closely followed by my belly, I guess more will reveal itself over time but for now this seems to be enough, enough for my strengths to have free reign and an unobstructed path to their expression again.
Enough to see what can be for this fleshy vehicle and its amazing playground we call life.
The future still looks overwhelming, the ideas still too grand in all their humane nobility. Yet time and again, when the muscles relax, the drive for this expression of my strengths returns, the future is still a different place from where I am now and there is a pleasantly lengthy amount of time to get things done in.
Nothing special at first, but as I gain traction with myself I feel deep down that the story will become ridiculously interesting, as humbly as I can say I know that there is something in my words and the way I interact through them that will be immensely helpful, some might say profound, but certainly useful, straight-forward, practical and without flowery nonsense.
As an afterward, everything I will be sharing is largely a deliberate effort to release all the information from every text source I have ever read in favour of finding the actual physically measurable and provable. It is time to find a better baseline for humanity.